The day I had an epiphany

I'm stubborn, I'll admit it. So when people try to tell me things to help, I at times don't fully take it into consideration. Today was different.

My boyfriend and I were having a conversation about my obsession with fashion and my lifestyle, and got into the topic of the quote I have on my blog, "To thine own self be true." He questioned whether I truly live by that. I presumed yes. After that though the conversation was like this:

him: wait..
    who are you?

me: what?

him: i dont know who you are..

me: ?

him: i dont understand all your mixed signals
    your happy..
    mad at yourself
    live through others compliments
    love running

  you love poetry 

  who are you?

me: i dont know
    i honestly could not answer that
    well not never
    but not now

him: then how can you be true to yourself?
    if you dont even know who to be true to?

This realization truly blew my mind. This showed the absolute contradiction amongst the different ideas I use to describe myself, but up until this point, I had never realized it. I was dumbfounded and amazed all at once. There was true beauty in that statement for me... how can you be true to yourself if you don't even know who you're being true to?


 

oh for goodness sakes.

I'm sorry, but I feel this deserves a rant.

This world is so materialistic it's ridiculous. Coming from someone who loves fashion, I understand that this statement must sound contradictory, but high end clothing is not a necessity for my existence.

This is part of why I do not take a certain liking to my step father.

Today I came to visit my mother and she asked me to go with her to purchase a "small" Christmas gift for my 7-year-old brother's teacher. When arriving at the store, she is looking for a $30 Starbucks gift card. I, personally, found this amount excessive, so I voiced my opinion to her and asked maybe the $15 would be more appropriate. She agreed and went with that one. When getting home, my step dad instantly asks what she purchased. Showing him, he asks, "Only $15? You should have at least gotten 30 like I said." Me tending to be a bit outspoken, said, "So you're basically saying that the amount of a gift outweighs that matter of the work that he does?" He in turn makes a somewhat uncalled for remark by saying, "We are in Anaheim Hills here," basically retorting that "we are from a higher social standing here and your idea of a gift is so much lesser than mine."

I've grown up not the wealthiest of people in the world and have come to appreciate what it is that I have. I'm not saying that I am better than anyone, whether they are materialistic or not. We are all equal in any matter, though I wish some took realization to certain values.

currently listening to: ms. hill- talib kweli

i know it well

It never seizes to stir me... how there can be so many people in this world, yet one can still feel so lonely, as if they are the only remaining occupant of a long dusty trail.

currently listening to: blood bank- bon iver

playing the hand you get, you're not alone in this

We all get our hearts trampled on a bit, but it takes someone strong to carry on.

As many know the difficulty in carrying such a thing alone, there is always someone out there just waiting to be there for you. Give them the chance. Let them in. It will be something you will never regret. They will be someone you never forget.

currently listening to: hope for the hopeless- a fine frenzy

saturday morning coffee.

Oh, how I do love coffee in the warmth of morning daylight and my bed.

This will be the make up of my weekend.

I have a research paper due monday and two midterms this week, and here I am tinkering with a camera in the midst of it. And of course, listening to Sigur Ros. Sadly, I have no idea what it means without the assistance of English translation, but that doesn't make it any less enchanting.

currently listening to: i gaer- sigur ros

TWLOHA Day

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those you struggle with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words "love" on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those trying to recover.

Having once been a victim of depression, I know how it feels first hand. The worst part of it all is going through it alone.

Be free from the idea, that you are alone.

currently listening to: someone somewhere- jason reeves

I’m gonna close my eyes and maybe it will go away.

Is there really any such thing as privacy anymore?

Or on the contrary, do we not allow ourselves privacy? People display everything about themselves on websites such as myspace and facebook. We do it for ourselves, for our friends, but many people seem to overlook the other general audience, those we don’t know. We have all heard about this millions of times, and the issue is quite tired, but that doesn’t make it any less of a threat.
Along with the dangers, people seem to forget whatever information or pictures you display on the internet is free territory. Meaning, those jobs you are applying to, colleges, and those family members you don’t quite want to know EVERYTHING about you, they all have access to it.
Lovely thought, isn’t it?

Even still, I argue for the right of privacy, the privacy of which I seem to have a great lack of.

Ironic that I am writing about this on a blog of my entire life.

Currently listening to: platinum blonde life- no doubt

giving up is not part of my vocabulary

Waiting for my bus, I have a tendency to people watch. The ones that always seem to catch my eye though are those who are running or wearing their, “UCR Track & Field” or “UCR Cross Country shirts.” It’s as if they are all rubbing it in my face, like they’re mocking me. I had the opportunity to do something I really wanted to, I had the chance to be running for that team. Unfortunately, there is always other factors, other very unwelcome factors that inhibited me from following what otherwise would have been an automatic yes.
Not being on the team, I figured, well I can still run.
That ended a few months back when I came to the realization that I am injured. I thought it would go away with time. It’s still there.

Ideally, we all want something we can’t have. I guess, that’s what makes the chase so much better, or so much worse, depending on how you look at it.
I miss the freedom of running. I miss the ability to just drop everything and empty my mind, free my body of any restraints, with only my feet to carry me. What can I do about it? Just keep on moving. But I know, this is not the end.

This idea goes for so many people. Its not a circumstance that remains specific. Everyone has something that ultimately is out of reach, or so they believe. So they give up. That’s the end of it. Let’s change dreams, because this one is just too difficult.

That’s not the answer. Giving up is the easy way out. You’ll get somewhere, sure, but is that somewhere what you want, what you wanted? No.

The journey is the greatest part. The most challenging, maybe, but in the end, its all worth it. To reach that last goal, to get that long awaited medal, to reach the finish line, its all so much more worth it knowing the heart wrenching path that was required to get there, and that despite it, you made it. It makes that trophy shine so much brighter. It makes that smile, that happiness, so much more real.

don't get me wrong, optimism is not easy to always carry. it's difficult, i know, i definitely haven't always been able to carry such a positive attitude. and i have one person to thank for that. i love you michael.

i think of you whenever life gets me down

i've been a bit sad and under the weather yesterday and the night before since thursday was the day he was off to san francisco and i won't be seeing him for a few months now.

it's quite difficult to go from seeing a person on a daily basis to not even a monthly basis.

but i'll get through it without a doubt.

currently listening to: think of you- a fine frenzy

(i really reccomend this one!)

where did the good go?

As years have come to pass, I have come to make various realizations about humanity. One being, its existence seems to be disintegrating. People have become purely self absorbed beings. True philanthropy is almost nowhere to be found. In such an endless and unsatisfactory finding of these truths, I would like to be one person that contrasts from the pool of disapointment. I want to make a difference in someone's life, I want to make a difference in ten people's lives, I want to make a difference in the lives of many without a limit in mind for the rest of my life. I have come to experience the emptiness of life when in lonliness firsthand, and with the knowledge that this could possibly be one of the worst feelings in the world, I want to be able to rid that possibility from another's life. I would like to be there for someone, to free them from that extreme lack of hope that they may have encountered.

This past week, about three days out of the week, I took the time to help a former teamate prepare for her upcoming cross country season. Each day after helping her out, I had the biggest smile on my face just knowing that I had actually made a difference in her life, a small difference, but a difference nonetheless. To know that her confidence alone has strengthened makes me so much more than happy.

As cliche as I may sound, I want to make a difference.

"You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one"

"Imagine" John Lennon

currently listening to: someone somewhere- jason reeves

i think our lives have just begun.

people test themselves on a daily basis, but majority not enough. we live in a state that we find most comfortable for our being, without a desire to seek greater heights, to test our limits to go beyond. we remain content. we play it safe.
i run, though i don't believe i have quite earned my title as a runner yet. today though, i came that much closer to it. i run often, a good pace at a decent length, but today was different.
the previous day, my boyfriend, a true, true runner, told me of his experiences in depth, the work that he put into being the person whom he is, the battle that he fought against himself and the odds against him on a daily basis. the thousands of miles that had allowed him to achieve that of which he deserved. all his accomplishments having been gained from experiences that no one could comprehend, that people never gave the much deserved respect, because they didn't know. they didn't know the sweat, pain, and passion put into those distances and lengths, those times and tenacity. they have no idea of the limits he pursued and overcame, they have no idea of who he really is, what fueled him.
what fueled him was the journey, not the destination, to challenge the world and the nonbelievers. he is truly an inspiration.
to gain true understanding of such greatness and pain endured, one must learn first hand. so to implement such, today i was out to get something more than the typical sweat, the regular heartbeat increase. i wanted to achieve what i was not sure i could achieve. i wanted to face that sense of not knowing if i could reach the end, i didn't want to play it safe. from the moment i woke up this morning, i had this very intention, to push myself to a point that was not sensible to the human mind. as i approached the moment i was to begin, i could feel the adrenaline rush through every aspect of my body.
go.
i took off. no regards to my surroundings or the lack of sense in the matter. just me and the ground beneath my feet. i was determined to not find my breaking point, but to find the point where every part of me told me to break, the point where i would refuse to give in. no matter the pain, the severity of my inability to breathe, the weakness in my limbs, i persevered on. i would not allow myself that sense of defeat. it was not the distance or speed that was in control, i was, those three miles were not meant to be overcome by anyone, but i did it. all odds told me to fall, to collapse, right there and then, but i didn't. i did it.
reaching the street pole that marked my completion, all my weight pressed against it. Brimmed with pain, light-headed, nausea, there was a sense of accomplishment.

this was not just finding my limits, this was finding myself. rather than hearing the words repeated from so many mouths, the identical terms of encouragement that no longer maintain their purpose. this was incomprehensible. i proved to myself that it's not impossible, nothing's impossible.
to sit on the sidewalk and watch the world go by, coming to terms with wishes and wants, its all a waste. basking in that of which we could have faced, should have faced, it gets us nowhere. remaining content with the simplistic pieces we are handed, that is nothing. but to look to pursue what you deemed improbable and following through, that is real, that is greatness, that is achievement.

currently listening to: falling away with you- muse

cliche of the day: home is where the heart is.

i feel like, you know you really care for someone when you find yourself randomly thinking about them throughout the day. you may be in a situation or place completely irrelevant to anything that might remind you of them, yet they somehow end up on your mind.
and that reminder of that person is never just a memory of simplicity, not just the image of their face, but a rush of all the greatest moments compressed into one. and when it all whisks away your mind, its an undeniably incredible feeling, because those moments are the ones you know you belong most.
when all other times, there may be that tiny, hindering feeling of displacement, that small, subconscious sense of not belonging, it is in this beautiful state of mind only that those notions are completely nonexistant.

in his arms is where the heart is.

cliche of the day: the sky's the limit

yesterday was beach/ bonfire day for me.
definitely enjoyed myself.
but also realized, the endless amount of time i can stare up at the clouds and gather so many thoughts. just looking at the infinite billows against the glorious blue, with the soothing crashing background music of the waves, i studied the depth of such a simplistic creation. i might seem a bit off by my observation, and maybe i am, i'm fine with that. but that got my thoughts to transcend into even greater depths, and how not a single one is exactly similar nor at a standstill. just like life, it is all always changing, forever moving.


and onto the more simplistic idea of matters. soccer at the beach is slightly extraneous and tiring.